Stop shouting at me! Why listening beats outrage
Can we recover civil discourse in conversation, public policy, and the way we govern our future?
By J. Steven Bromwich
All mouth and no ears
Have you ever felt like people with whom you were speaking were not listening? When it happens you can almost see the busyness on their faces as they think about what they will say next.
Living in our heads, interrupting, sound-bite conversations, or old-fashioned shouting all hinder relationships and problem-solving. We can do better.
If we are honest, we have all been that person. Each of us has at one point or another failed to listen, talked too much, formulated our positions and responses while the other person was talking and interrupted in conversations. We have all been a bit self-absorbed at some point.
Communicating when we have different values can be especially challenging. It can be difficult not to attempt to force our opinions onto others. Even when our values clash, the person standing before us should feel heard. After all, we want the same respect in return. Moreover, if we are trying to convince someone of our viewpoint, showing respect is the first step to a mutual and productive dialogue.
In the workplace, not listening to and talking over others can have deleterious consequences. Healthcare settings, for example, need an environment of listening and learning to promote patient safety.
Human dignity flourishes in curiosity
We might be right about our position in a particular meeting or conversation but relentlessly pushing it onto other people not only disrespects our own dignity, but theirs as well. It hurts relationships and fails to address, much less resolve, our interpersonal, professional, and cultural challenges.
Setting up fortresses around our opinions, especially if they are wrong, closes us to new ideas and new approaches to thinking and living. On the other hand, cultivating intellectual curiosity enriches us.
Some people think if they listen to ideas that do not align with their values they are compromising their integrity. This is not true. We can be intellectually curious about another’s positions, and thus take an interest in them as people, while maintaining our own principles.
Demonstrating respect for others, even when we disagree, not only preserves our own dignity, but it can also help build or preserve relationships. People who disagree on major issues can and should strive to be civil.
Intellectual humility and dialogue
Intellectual humility is the recognition that we do not know everything there is to know in the universe. It opens the way to new knowledge and fresh eyes in which to view the world. Intellectual humility is necessary for curiosity and learning.
Everyone has experienced the know-it-all who never stops talking, right? Frankly, I have sometimes been that person. Maybe you have, as well. In those unfortunate moments we slip into a state of intellectual pride, where we stare into that mirror of self-doom, admiring every word that drips out of our mouths. Often, though, these are moments when we are not fully present to ourselves or others. We get lost in our own mental and verbal momentum. Frankly, it is a frightening loss of self-awareness and self-control.
How to have better civil discourse and cultivate better relationships
Listening, watching more, and speaking less are the shortest routes to being better at respectful and curious communication. We have two ears, two eyes, and one mouth. It seems like a perfect recipe for listening and watching at least twice as much as we talk.
Imagine if everyone took a deep breath and listened to an entire thought before deciding to speak? The dynamics of conversation would change dramatically for the better. There would certainly be more silence, which would create necessary space for thoughtful contemplation. We would also have time to reconsider what we might have said in haste.
Listen and watch for understanding. Take a deep breath, listen to what is being said, watch the other person’s expressions and emotions, and ask yourself, “What is being communicated, both in words and in emotion?” Perhaps ask for clarification. Acknowledge what was said, and ask, “Am I understanding what you are saying?”
This thoughtful, attentive approach to conversation respects the dignity of the other person, and it will be noticed. Imagine how this dynamic could positively impact people and processes, whether in business and civic meetings, with patients and families, in conversations among friends and political debates.
In addition to preserving and building relationships, attentive dialogue enables transformation. It provides space for all involved to consider new ideas and new approaches to problem solving. When this happens, we all win.
A Final Note:
I am shifting my focus to a topic increasingly impacting every one of us: the profound transformation taking place in healthcare. Artificial intelligence holds much promise, but it must be understood and monitored with clinical rigor.
My background as an RN, bioethicist and administrator, combined with my expertise in criminal investigation, positions me to provide a unique level of oversight for this new era.
On January 19 I will be launching the first Standard of Care Report. It will be a bi-weekly newsletter exploring the ethical and clinical implications of AI in healthcare, ensuring that as technology evolves, the patient remains our top priority. We are all being impacted by AI, but in healthcare these impacts can be life and death. Subscribe and be informed.
About the Author
J. Steven Bromwich is an RN, clinical ethicist, and investigator. With a background spanning bedside care, bioethics, and criminal investigation, he founded The Standard of Care Report to bring the dignity of patients and the vocation of caregiving to the foreground amid AI advances and the systemic challenges in healthcare.